Deferred

"Decision deferred for at least 12 months" is the official verdict from the UCA (Uniting Church of Australia) to my application to become a minister of the word. Which basically means no but you're welcome to come back and have another crack later.

The decision is deferred with three conditions.

1.Become more involved with the UCA - I can kind of understand this because I have only been part of a uniting church for the last 4 and a bit years. Although given the breadth of experience I've had in other denominations and that the UCA prides itself on being ecumenical, it wasn't something I was expecting. I haven't been really involved in anything above the parish level mainly because I'd rather not spend my time there. If I was given an extra few hours in life to spend at church it would most likely be at the youth group than a presbytery group or church council.

2.The way I embody myself - one panellist kept repeating that I needed to get the "the breath" and every one else nodded knowingly like they all knew exactly what she was saying. she tried to clarified by saying at the moment "things rest on your shoulders" I gave back a puzzled look reasonably sure she wasn't referring to the back pack beside me. The puzzled look was all I could muster apart from yelling "you can't explain a metaphor with another freakin' metaphor". She said remember how we spoke about gravitas in the interview. I did. that was a phrase I understood. Gravitas...

# dignity: formality in bearing and appearance; "he behaved with great dignity" wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
# Gravitas (from Latin) is a quality of substance or depth of personality. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravitas
# Seriousness in bearing or manner; dignity; substance, weight en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gravitas
# A sense of physical weight, the illusion of mass, the appearance of maturity or advanced age, and the elusive quality of dignity.
www.newworldencyclopedia.org/entry/Bonsai

I asked an Anglican friend of mine if he had heard the expression "the breath". After an eye roll he explained he'd heard it used in terms of the breath of god or the spirit flowing through someone or not. I can't say for certain that this is what the panel meant but it would certainly explained the reverential nods that everyone but me gave whenever the phrase "the breath" was uttered. the suggestion to fix this was to do yoga with a master teacher or singing lessons and elocution lessons were also previously mentioned .

3. Sort out my Depression: On the surface fair enough for what can be a very stressful job. Although I haven't had a serious episode of depression for years. In fact the last time I posted about it was three and a half years ago. As part of this whole process I saw a psychiatrist for a couple of sessions to give me a psychological assessment. He suggested that he said that it would be worth revisiting what originally caused my depression and definitely not to find someone who used CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) as that tended to deal with just the symptoms and how to cope with them rather than any underlying cause. He suggested narrative therapy and to do this in a few years after study once life had settled down. Interestingly the panel recommend that I see someone who uses CBT. Although it's a few days after what I thought was my life calling slipping through my fingers and being in a job going no where where I'm struggling to pay just the day to day bills. I'm not actually feeling at all depressed, I have had some trouble sleeping for the first night or two as things raced through my mind which is kind of new for me but that has been as close to depressed as I've got. on paper it's one of the all time low points for me so it's kind of nice not to feel shattered by it. I did try imagining what sort of conversation I might have with a CBT specialist counsellor if I saw one.

Counsellor "What can I do for you"
Me "I need some help with depression"
Counsellor "when is the last time you felt depressed",
Me "three years ago",
Counsellor "what did you do about it"
Me "I went to a psychologist who specialised in CBT",
Counsellor "how did that go",
Me "I haven't had a depressive episode since".

Having said that, I realise I've got more work to do on myself.

These are my recollections of the three reasons given to me for the deferral. I'm keen to see exactly what is officially written to me.

So, what should I do? It's easy to say go back next year but Having seen one person go through the whole thing twice only to get a no I'm not so sure. the First time they went through they were told to get experience lay preaching they did, enjoyed it and got good feedback. To me that feels like something really concrete that you can say yes I can do that and I can get feedback if I'm any good before I go back again. My situation feels far less concrete than this.

Officially I've been told "deferred for at least 12 months" but it was suggested that 2 or 3 years time might be more appropriate. As I reflect on the whole experience I'm wondering will I ever get "the breath" or will I be able to get my depression under more control than it already is. If I do manage both these things will I, like the other candidate, get a no anyway? It was possible to get a "yes with conditions" so I could of been told, for example, yes but must attend X number of counselling sessions.

To conclude apart from being a pretty annoyed about the whole thing I am not sure what to do.