9 Reasons I'm Not A Good Evangelical And 9 Reasons I Won't Be A Mainline Liberal Any Time Soon Either

Why I'm Not A Good Evangelical

1. Christian music makes me feel nauseous.

2. I feel like I need to shower after leaving a Christian bookshop.

3. When I hear an atheist debate an evangelical I end up rooting for the atheist.

4. I didn't like "A Purpose Driven Life"

5. I worry about the "values" that could be taught to my kids at their Christian school.

6. When someone says "you know that Hillsong song we've been singing at church every Sunday for last 2 months" have to honestly say "no".

7. Penal substitutionary atonement drives me batty. (Atonement is so much bigger).

8. When I hear an evangelical preacher speak on just one verse from the Bible I quickly open mine to prove that in context the verse is unrelated to what he (OK once or twice it's been a she) is saying.

9. I'm OK with gay.

Why I'm Not A Mainline Liberal

1. Organ music makes me sleepy.

2. I like it when church has people under 55 in it.

3. When I hear an atheist debate an mainline liberal I'm not sure why they are a Christian (apart from growing up that way and now making some sort of living by saying they are one).

5. I think Rick Warren sounds like a great guy, and does some great things. (he gives away 90% of what he earns and works for his church for free. There's a reason he wears daggy Hawaiian shirts and not Armani Suits).

6. Even though they think social justice is more important than evangelicals they still don't give more money or do more than evangelical churches who think it's a minor concern.

7. Giving the bible and Jesus to the evangelicals so they could keep liturgy was not a good idea.

8. I just can't handle watching the newcomers getting completely lost flipping through the book of common prayer.

9. Robes look ridiculous.

Why Women Should Not Wear High Heeled Shoes

Looking 2 Inches taller: 2% increase in attractiveness.

Looking like you haven't yet learnt to walk yet and definitely couldn't run: 15% decrease in attractiveness.

Overall: Bad idea.

I Want To Do

Inspired by Fox Mulder's "I Want To Believe" poster and a recent viewing of the film Ghandi.

Word Image

I've just discovered Wordle. It's a tool for creating word images of text or websites. This is the image created for this blog. Pretty cool huh.

I'm Over Facebook

Every time I log on to Facebook my page is flooded by people who take all kinds of ridiculous quizzes. Things like “Which Harry Potter Character are you?”. Because I’m not glued to it 24 7 I probably miss the more important updates from people. I couldn’t work out why would anyone spend the time to do these quizzes so I thought I'd create my own dumb quiz. “which random household object are you” and people did it, about a thousand so far. The Answers are random and completely unrelated to the questions (see below) any way I'm back to my trusty RSS blog feeds and dabbling with quiz free Twitter.

Which Random Household Object are You Questions

1. Which Musical Artist Do You like the best?

• New Kids on the Block
• Vanilla Ice
• Kikki Dee
• Yanni
• Backstreet Boys
• Michael Bolton
• Céline Dion
• David Hasselhoff

2. My Favourite Swearword begins with...

• A
• B
• C
• D
• F
• R
• S

3. You have a recurring nightmare about...

• Chickens
• Zombies
• Losing your clothes
• Driving with no brakes
• Failing exams
• Your Ex
• Flying
• Facebook Quizzes

4. Facebook is...

• Wasting my life away
• A way to keep in touch with friends I can't stand to see in person
• A place to put that glamour photo I spent so much money on
• Wasting everybody else's life a way
• The only way my friends talk to me any more
• A great way of distributing all my personal details to potential identity thieves
• A Social networking Site
• Just Like Twitter only with more Features

5. The Household object I most identify with is…

• Hair Brush
• Cup
• Tea Towel
• Door Handle
• Light Bulb
• Spoon
• Pencil
• Rubbish Bin

Jo Cocker Made Me Cry

I'm not sure how I came across this but it made me laugh so hard my wife thought I was crying.

My New Messiah: Nadia Bolz-Weber

Well maybe not but if you're like me you're probably used to hearing the same voices talk about Xy and you probably think you've at least of heard of all the good Xn speakers and thinkers in the world. Most of them male and evangelical. So for me to stumble across the heavily tatooed, ex stand up comic, Lutheran Minister Nadia Bolz-Weber, care of the Praxis Podcast, was a revelation. She is both insightful and freakin' funny. The audio at Salvation on the Small Screen? Reading by author Nadia Bolz-Weber is a great introduction to her.

She blogs at Sarcastic Lutheran and is the minister at the House For All church where you can go to a Bring Your Own Brain Bible study.

I love the third line on the poster.

Jump! You...

In the current economic climate of gloom and doom there are occasional things that just make me laugh. This photo taken on Wall Street was is one of them. I found it on the Facebook group the "Society for the Appreciation of Pictures of Stockbrokers In Visible Pain"

Shardenfreude

It's rare that I post youtube videos on my blog but this one I just couldn't resist. It's a cover of Europe's big 80s hit "The Final Countdown".

The Perfect Private Joke

This morning I arrived at work having listened a Kevin Smith podcast. If you’re familiar with Kevin Smith’s films you’ll know his brand of humor is not the kind of thing that I could share with any of my good Xn colleges. This reminded me of a friend who told me what I considered the perfect private joke. One day at high school he told me he would never marry a charismatic woman, when I asked “why?” he said, “could you imagine having sex with her?” After giving him a somewhat confused look he did some sexual motions whilst yelling "praise the lord" and "thank you Jesus". “It'd be too off putting”, he explained. I thought his joke was hilarious but sadly realised I wouldn't be able to share it with anyone. All the non Xns I knew wouldn't get it and the Xns I knew wouldn't think it was appropriate. Now 20 years later I’m sharing it with the world… You probably had to be there though.

Cool Uncles Play Bajo-Mandolins

Everybody wishes they had a cool uncle and there is but a small window of time when my nephew thinks that my banjo-mandloin makes me a super cool uncle.

I fear my cool status won't last into his teenage years.

But, I'm loving it while it lasts.

Valley Songs Ahoy!

Last week I had the pleasure of inflicting some Valley Songs on the church I hang out with. As well as some foot stomping Johnny Cash we decided to finish with this song, my wife's idea.

I’m sure somewhere there are two worship song rules that say you should never have overly long notes that or really quick phrases that are difficult to say. It was fun breaking both these rules.

Making "Make Affluence History"

With the arrival of a new child blogging has become a bit slow. None the less I have continued to have a life outside of blogging and changing nappies at 2am. I've recently been inspired by the idea of Make Affluence History as a necessary shadow of the Make Poverty History campaign. I decided to make some Make Affluence History clothing. Sticking with spirit of the Making Affluence History the jumper is an old work jumper that is no longer used and some old brown tracksuit material and some old thread.

Front Before

Back Before

Front After

Back After

Luke 18:22, for those of you who have never learnt it as a memory verse says...

When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "There is still one thing lacking. Sell all that you own and distribute the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me."

All I want for Christmas is R2D2

Need I say more... It's only US $2900 mum and dad.

What makes a man a man and why you should read the King James

Last night I showed this fantastic you tube clip to my small group. Hamo had it on his blog a while ago and Tom Lyberg has just put it up to. the second time I saw this I thought it was just a joke but no, this is a real preacher from a real church. So, sit back and prepare to learn the value of the King James Bible and what makes a man a man.

My favorite You Tube comment on the video was...

What if you pee on the wall while sitting down in a chair?

Jesus is not my boyfriend but maybe Larry Norman or Sinead O’Connor could be

I was saddened to hear of the passing of Larry Norman last week. Only Visiting this planet is probably the only overtly Christian rock album that I enjoyed listening to growing up. I still listen to it today It’s great. The first copy I had in high school was taped from a friend who has it on vinyl (I don’t think I could listen to it without expecting a jump in the needle on track four). My friend is non longer a Xn but still likes and listens to the album such is it’s quality.

I’ve recently discovered Sinead O’Connor’s Theology album lately which mostly consists of psalms, laments and other bits of the bible set to music. The difference between her songs and many modern day Xn songs is striking Her songs are much more likely to be a lament of someone suffering oppression than a pseudo love song. Take a listen to Aviad Cohen for a giggle and an idea of what this album is not.

The only thing that comes close to a "Jesus my boyfriend" song is "I don't know how to love him" and the point of that song is Jesus cant be loved like a man or boyfriend. The psalms and other parts of bible like song of songs and Job O’Connor sings from are not so much about the joy of knowing god but rather the pain of being human.

Samples of the lyrics include

"Out of the depths I cry to you oh lord
Don't let my cries for mercy be ignored”

or

“And he looks for justice but beholds oppression
And he hopes for equality but hears a cry
Jerusalem and Judah
This is God's reply

Sadness will come
To those who build house to house
And lay field to field 'til there's room
For none but you to dwell in the land
Oh in the land

And sadness will come
To those who call evil good
And good evil who present
Darkness as light
And light as darkness
Who present as sweetness
Only the things which are bitterness

For the vineyard of
The Lord of Hosts
Is the house of Israel
And the men of Judah his pleasant plant
Oh oh his pleasant plant

Oh that my eyes were a fountain of tears
That I might weep for my poor people

For every boot stamped with fierceness
For every cloak rolled in blood
Jerusalem and Judah
I'd cry if I could”

or

“Why did I not die at birth?
Expire as I came from the womb?
Why were there knees to receive me?
Or breasts to feed me?
Why was I not like babies
Who never saw the light?
Who lie with kings and counsellors
Who rebuild ruins for themselves”

These lyrics are unlikely to be found in the Koorong worship music catalogue but are in the bible. I wonder if Sinead has created an unsellable record that Xns and non Xns will avoid for different reasons.

When ever I think about Xn music and church music in particular I can’t help but think of an old theology lecturer who used to add the phrase "in between the sheets" after lyrics and song titles she would sing in church as a youngster. This is kind of fun to do next time your in church and singing…

How Great Thou art - in between the sheets
You are my King - in between the sheets
Softly and Tenderly Jesus is calling - in between the sheets
My God is so big - in between the sheets
What A Friend we Have in Jesus - in between the sheets
I could sing of Your love forever- in between the sheets

The other distraction that floods my mind when I hear most Xn music is my favourite south park episode “Faith plus one” when Cartman forms a Xn rock band. Here are some of my favourite lines from that show.

CARTMAN Think about it! It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap!

CARTMAN All right, guys, this is gonna be so easy. All we have to do to make Christian songs is take regular old songs and add Jesus stuff to them. See? All we have to do is cross out words like "baby" and "Darling" and replace them with Jesus. All right, Butters, give me a beat. Okay, nice. Very nice. All right, Token, give me a smooth bass line.

Don't ever leave me, Jesus.
I couldn't stand to see you go.
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door.
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights. I love you, Jesus.

I want you to walk with me [the fans sway back and forth] I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby! You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, right? What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby! Your love... is my life! You know when I’m without you, there's a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh! I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night and it's up to you to
Save me! Jee...sus...bay-by!

EXECUTIVE 1 We just have one question, though. We were looking over some of your lyrics, uh... "I want to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus on a private beach for two./I want him to nibble on my ear and say 'I'm here for you." Ih it seams you really love Christ.

CARTMAN Yes, we sure do.

EXECUTIVE 1 Well uh of course I do. I mean I just-

CARTMAN Well what's the difference?! You love Christ, you're in love with Christ, I mean, uh, what the heck is this??

EXECUTIVE 1 Eh no but ih it appears you are actually... in love with Christ.

CARTMAN Well what are you saying? That, that you don't really love Christ??

EXECUTIVE 1 Uh, we'd just like to make sure the bands we sign are in it for God, and not for the money.

CARTMAN I resent that, sir! I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now.

BUTTERS Uhm, oh.

EXECUTIVE 1 That's- all we needed to know. Just, sign here and we'll get your album sold.

So what to do? I’ve been toying with the idea of trying out some blues songs in a church service I love Blind Willie Johnson and many of the gospel and blues singers of the first half of the last centaury. I’d like to sing some of them along with Paul Gioia’s music and Dave Andrews' songs. Maybe I’d like to try this to see if it’s communal singing that I don’t like or if it’s just the songs that churches tend to communally sing. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'll end with some great covers of Xn albums.

She was wiggling her butt!

This is hilarious and genuine answering message from Ship of Fools, where a concerned parishioner calls to complain about some serious problems in the church service.

R Rated Blog

Apparently I have an R rated Blog? the reasons are because I copied a quote describing Jesus as a "cosmic Jewish Zombie", saying the film The Passion contained the torture of Jesus, and saying that I'm not keen on the idea of being a missionary. Click on the link and find out how racy your blog is (or isn't).

Tagged? - The Pharyngula mutating genre meme

Arthur from Five Public Opinions has tagged me again. It seems that he has mistaken me as some kind of well cultured person. To see the rules of this tag visit his blog post. I'm supposed to pass it on but alas it looks like the evolution dies with the Xn ;) I'm just not a pass it on kind of guy. None the less I thought I'd post my answers as it gives some kind of insight in to me.

1. The best murder mystery novel in Magical Realism is…

Lullaby by Chuck Paulanik

(I mutated this from The best time travel novel in Magical Realism is…)

2. The best romantic movie in historical fiction is…

Brokeback Mountain

3. The best love song in industrial rock is…
We're in this together by Nine Inch Nails.

(I mutated this from The best sexy song in industrial rock is…)

If there are any Xn bloggers (or bloggers general even) who pretty much agree with these answers I'd love to hear from you.

How does he get the time?

I'm the kind of person who is struggling to get up have breakfast and be at work on time. What I don't understand is how the lead singer from Muse has the time to be in an international band and play Dr Who as well!