Lately, I have been reminded that it is a common belief amongst Xns (and American talk show hosts) that victims need to forgive their perpetrators in order to move on, regardless of wether the perpetrators are in any way remorseful for what they have done. This idea can apply to everything from the most minor (slightly hurt by a friend) to the most extreme (assault) .
I always thought that forgiveness was a two way transaction. Firstly, with the perpetrator repenting of what they had done and secondly with the victim offering forgiveness. To tell someone that they need to forgive someone in order to move on seems to me to be asking people to do something that I think not even God does, that is to forgive someone who has not repented.
I think this is not helpful for two reasons.
1) I don’t think you can truly forgive someone who doesn’t want it
2) It is patronising to the other person, as there is no negotiation as to exactly who did what wrong
What I think God does with humanity is not to forgive everyone but to offer forgiveness. God’s act of Grace is to get in to a position where God is able to forgive and to demonstrate that forgiveness is available.
Before anyone can forgive I think they must…
1) Be hurt and angry abut what has happened
2) Discover they are not to blame (in the case of an assault) or accept what is the appropriate level of blame (perhaps in the case of a divorce)
3) Get to a position where they are prepared to forgive and where they can live their life without the need for that person to either suffer or to repent.
This last stage is important. It is not in forgiving someone that we are able to move on from something. It is being able to move in which we are able to forgive someone. When we are able to move on (when we do not still wish they were suffering for what they have done or wish that person were appropriately remorseful) then that person has no hold of our life and therefore a truly new relationship can begin, a relationship that does not try to retrace the past, rather a relationship which acknowledges the past and ensures that the past cannot be replicated.
I always thought that forgiveness was a two way transaction. Firstly, with the perpetrator repenting of what they had done and secondly with the victim offering forgiveness. To tell someone that they need to forgive someone in order to move on seems to me to be asking people to do something that I think not even God does, that is to forgive someone who has not repented.
I think this is not helpful for two reasons.
1) I don’t think you can truly forgive someone who doesn’t want it
2) It is patronising to the other person, as there is no negotiation as to exactly who did what wrong
What I think God does with humanity is not to forgive everyone but to offer forgiveness. God’s act of Grace is to get in to a position where God is able to forgive and to demonstrate that forgiveness is available.
Before anyone can forgive I think they must…
1) Be hurt and angry abut what has happened
2) Discover they are not to blame (in the case of an assault) or accept what is the appropriate level of blame (perhaps in the case of a divorce)
3) Get to a position where they are prepared to forgive and where they can live their life without the need for that person to either suffer or to repent.
This last stage is important. It is not in forgiving someone that we are able to move on from something. It is being able to move in which we are able to forgive someone. When we are able to move on (when we do not still wish they were suffering for what they have done or wish that person were appropriately remorseful) then that person has no hold of our life and therefore a truly new relationship can begin, a relationship that does not try to retrace the past, rather a relationship which acknowledges the past and ensures that the past cannot be replicated.
1 comment:
Thanks for your comment. I'd say that forgiveness has not taken, place. I think if God calls us to follow his example then what he does is to do everything possible to make forgiveness happen, to be in a position to recieve us with open arms once we repent. Which it looks like you are doing. On Ya!
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