About four months ago I wrote the following post. Since then it has been sitting on my iPod waiting for me to hit copy, paste and post. But I haven't been able to bring myself to do that. Four months on I'm still unsure how I feel and what I want to do about the badge "Christian". But, there hasn't been anything else that I've wanted to post about either. I've had new theological ideas but not desire to layout an argument for them. So, the blog has just been silent. Rather than continue to leave the blog hanging I thought I should put up a "last post" and share with you what I could not quite bring myself to post for the last four months because four months on it is still the best description of where I am at.
The End Of The Downward Spiral
Longtime followers of the blog will know that despite being "a churchless faith" this blog has been anything but churchless. I started the blog churchless and almost straight away I was on the hunt to find a church community to call home. In fact since I first started walking myself to Sunday school as a ten year old I have rarely been churchless. I have also felt like I never quite fit the mould either and was never able to be completely honest with my faith. At times I have felt like Jacob wrestling the angel and left in deadlock. After thirty years of moving through a handful of denominations and churches trying to bang my square theological peg into a round church hole I've decided it's time to stop. Time to stop wrestling. This blog has very much been a reflection of that wrestling so it's time to stop blogging too.
For years I've described myself as a Christian. I'm not sure I should do that anymore. Really, I am a heretic. I do not believe the orthodox no matter how that has been variously defined through out my life and not just in a "hey we differ on a few minor things" kind of way but, in a "I'm sorry you're not really one of us" kind of way. I have been told I'm too evangelical by a main line church leader who would never have let be appointed to the very minor role I once had. I've been told I'm too liberal by a evangelical leader, who felt it would be inappropriate for me to attend their church service. I've been told to find a different church and told that me teaching sunday school would be worrying. Mostly it's more subtle, where I can believe what I like just as long as i'm not able to do anything where someone might have the opputunity to hear any of those Ideas. There would always be some kind of limit of how much I could participate in the church. Warming the pew was fine, just everything above that was off. I've wrestled clinging white knuckled to the belief that there should be a place for me. I have now let go, I am done with wrestling. I don't fit and it's time to move on. It maybe a wrestle I should have given up on sixteen years ago but it is what it is. Christian communities are based around common orthodoxies (beliefs) and I am too unorthodox.
I know that some people might be thinking "why don't you start your own church?" I have thought about that but, I have never heard a church planting story that starts with a lone couple exhausted from keeping up with life, burnt out by church, with no support from anywhere else who go on to do anything productive. And, there just might be a good reason for that. After his wrestle Jacob walked away with a limp for me, it's time to hand in the badge that says "Christian"
Writing this I feel a weight lifted. I am in a good place and apart from "the badge" nothing has changed. It is just without the badge there is just no longer a need to wrestle for a place where I fit in among the community of Christians.
8 comments:
I'm with you. Just googled 'churchless faith' and came across your blog. Seems like a death has occurred. Don't have answers but know that the old has to die before anything new. Also new is new, it's just rather a long way down the proverbial rabbit hole. Just watched film 'the Adjustment Bureau' whilst flicking thro your blogs. Refreshingly thoughtful ending which resonates with my own journey...I wonder, when we are free to be who we really are, free from the constraints of correctional religion, will we inspire God? Thanks for sharing, even if I have only just joined at the end...or should I say beginning!
Stop wasting your life on mythical beings.
Chris
Yours was the first Christian blog I discovered, and I found it while looking for the book "Churchless Faith" which a friend had commended. I found myself very encouraged and much in agreement with a great deal of what you wrote, and you opened up a world of other blogs to me through your list of the ones you read. I am sad to see you sign off, and sad too that life has been perplexing for you, perhaps more than you have said openly.
You may be a heretic (a word I have seen defined as someone who believes the Bible rather than church orthodoxy) but the fact that you are too liberal for the evangelicals and too evangelical for the liberals proves that you are not away out on some distant limb far from anything.
Just two nights ago I had a long phone call with a friend who I hadn't spoken to for some time. He is in the happy position of knowing that he is doing what God wants him to do, and finding his faith growing through dependence on God, but he said he is becoming increasingly uneasy with the label "Christian", mainly because of the baggage it carries; and he is very uncomfortable with labelling people "non-Christian". We had a discussion about church and not fitting in as well.
I can see that you and your wife are not in a place to start a church - neither was I when I was growing apart from the one I was attending - but there are bound to be others in a similar place to you....
Thank you for your sharing and your honesty. Hold to your beliefs (except when God or your own conscience challenges them).
Prof McHardy who led the translation of the New English Bible was a neighbour of my Dad, and he said that he had always wanted to translate the verse "In my Father's house are many mansions" as "...are many bothies", referring to the rooms where young Scottish farm workers traditionally lived (often above the cattle). It gave a homeliness which he felt we often miss. And there are many of them. May you and your family find a bothy.
Dave
Dear Chris,
I'm sorry I missed your post. I'm not sure from your post whether your convictions about Jesus have changed, or just your willingness to use the Christian label. Either way, it's been a hard journey for you. Must be difficult to imagine what's next between you and God, but I hope this season of not trying to fit into a church relieves a burden.
Shalom, Nathan.
Are you not going to post any more, then? I'm sorry. I've only just re-found your blog after over a year.
grace and peace to you and yours
Hey Chris,
I just discovered this blog when searching about whether or not Christians can be rich. In any case, if you see this I just wanted you to know two things: (1) Thank you for sharing your story; it resonated with me greatly and even when you misquoted scripture (i do it often, too) I understood your point and often agreed. and (2) I hope in dropping the label, you have not dropped the faith. You might very well be the next John crying out in the wilderness. Not everyone God calls is called to a life of communion.
Be Blessed Always,
c.c.g.
Hello everyone, apologies for the slow reply, life got busy and I haven't been looking out for comments.
Firstly thanks for all your encouraging words. I do really appreciate them. Nathan I don't think my convictions about Jesus have changed. I maybe more careful about the language I use to describe those convictions as Xn language often has so much extra meaning attached to it. I'm not planning to repost at the moment but have thought about starting a new anonymous blog. I don't think I have dropped the faith but I'm not sure if everyone would agree.
Peace, love and grace.
Chris
I feel ya bro. I was a church planter and pastor for 25 years, and now i find myself exactly in the same place you are.
hang in there
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